ALTHOUGH VIRGINITY IS A SOCIAL Phenomenon Rather than physiological (we have already argued that the phrase “loss of virginity” should be banned, and one person can have an infinite number of virgins), many women have experiences associated with pain or discomfort during the first attempts at vaginal penetration. Today we know that tearing the hymen and bleeding is not necessary: the hymen stretches well, and with a careful approach and an abundance of lubrication, the debut in penetrative sex can be absolutely painless.
But there are exceptions: for a small percentage of women, the first sex with penetration without pain is almost impossible – these are people with inelastic, solid, bifurcated or microperforated hymen. Daria Shipacheva shares her experience of painful attempts to have penetrative sex, which ended in the surgeon’s chair.
Once there was a flash mob on Facebook, in which they offered to describe their sexual debut in three words. My three words were “nothing happened.” And when it finally happened, there was that same terrible pain, a sea of blood for a week and the prospect of stitches in the vagina. In the end, I still had to “lose my virginity” surgically – but first things first.
Schrödinger’s virginity
Everyone has probably heard about such a surgical intervention as “restoration of virginity.” In Belgium, for example, 73% of surveyed gynecologists noted that they had been approached at least once by patients who wanted to undergo hymenoplasty – reconstruction of the hymen. Most gynecologists agree to the procedure, as otherwise the woman may be in trouble.
Meanwhile, the very concept of virginity is increasingly being questioned. For example, an analysis of medical “ virginity examinations ” showed that it is impossible to say with certainty only by the state of the hymen whether a girl had penetrative vaginal sex. During the first penetration of the hymen – a piece of tissue with a hole in the middle – stretches and may tear a little, but heals quickly and returns to its original state. During the next sex, it stretches again, then shrinks, and so on in a circle – for many women, the hymen remains in its original form until the first vaginal birth.
I already knew all this when I decided to have penetrative vaginal sex for the first time – I was twenty-one years old, and sex enlightenment did not pass me by. I expected that my strong attraction to my partner, careful preparation, a glass of wine and carefulness in the process would provide a pleasant and painless first experience during which the hymen will stretch out neatly. How wrong I was!
First try
I have always been sex-positive: I read educational materials about sex, although I had not yet done it, I masturbated regularly and even gave advice to my friends about their sex life, using my extensive theoretical knowledge. True, I thought that phallic sex toys were not for me, because the first penetration must supposedly be with the participation of the penis. Now I recall these thoughts with a bitter grin – especially considering that I have finally accepted my bisexuality.
But then, in 2013, I did not even allow my own fingers to penetrate the vagina, but masturbated, stimulating only the outer part of the clitoris. True, I used tampons, but because of the discomfort, only the smallest ones were able to fit normally. Then I did not think that I was somehow different from others, I hoped that during the first vaginal sex the hymen would still stretch a little and would not return to its very virgin state. Then you can use any tampons, menstrual cups, discover the whole variety of the world of sex toys.
Finally I found a guy with whom I wanted to have sex. Because of my attitude to the topic, I always openly discussed issues of sexuality, joked about the topic and frankly flirted – so the new acquaintance did not even suspect that I had no experience at all. And I decided – I will not tell him anything, so as not to impose unnecessary expectations, anxiety on the first sex, not to cause a feeling of increased responsibility in the partner. Now I understand that I was wrong about myself – I had the right for the first partner to take into account all the relevant information during sex. I hoped that the hymen would just stretch out slowly from penetration – and no one would notice anything . But the prank failed.
Stone wall
Let’s skip the first part of the process and get straight to the point: as soon as the partner tried to enter me, he seemed to have stumbled upon a stone wall. I was quite aroused, the grease was released, and it was not clear what was going on. The partner was also shocked. He had never encountered anything like it, so he asked if I wanted to tell him something. I had to admit that this is my first time and I myself do not understand anything . We made a few more attempts – still unsuccessfully – and decided we would just sleep together. The next day, I cried for a couple of hours, and then went to the gym and went to three workouts in a row to relieve the pain. What’s wrong with me ? Will I never be able to have sex? I was even ashamed that I had “let down” my partner.
I thought I might have vaginismus . Although it was doubtful: I knew that with vaginismus it is almost impossible to put at least something inside me – a finger or a tampon – but I still managed to do it. To be sure, I went to the gynecologist, and she confirmed: “No, this is not vaginismus. Yes , and in general, you, everything looks normal. The next time you ask your partner to act more slowly and delicately, use plenty of lubricant. ”
Another try
With the first partner from me that anything not happened , he did not was willing to mess with my virginity problem. This hurt me a lot, and I decided that the next partner would know about my situation in advance – and would have to prove to me that he was ready to face it. I started dating D. – he had already been my friend for some time, he knew about my sexual twists and turns and was not afraid of the unapproachable hymen. During the first sex, he helped me get into a comfortable position, put a pillow under the pelvis, used saliva as a lubricant (not the best option, but it all happened quite spontaneously). Nevertheless , I was in great pain.
We with AD have decided that I am a little brook to penetrate finally took place. In the end, everything worked out – and I was even able to experience an orgasm that overshadowed the pain. After sex, I went to the bathroom and waited for a pool of blood. It was not so much a lot – and I relaxed, hoping that all the terrible and unpleasant behind. We even had sex again that evening, and then again the next morning. However, the blood did not stop for the next several days, and I asked more experienced friends how normal it was. They said that bleeding for more than two or three days is not good. After the blood did not stop flowing even a week later, I again turned to the gynecologist.
It turned out that I had a ruptured vaginal wall. It took a lot of effort to penetrate my hymen – and the hymen’s tissues not only torn, but tore completely, having hooked part of the vaginal tissues as well. The doctor said that he would treat the tear site, but if the bleeding does not stop in a couple of days , stitches will have to be applied . Fortunately, I was lucky – no stitches were needed, everything healed on its own after a period of sexual rest.
Waiting for pain
Then we with her boyfriend bought a good lubricant and sex already with her. But the pain did not go anywhere – penetration brought unpleasant sensations every time, although not as sharp as the first time. The soreness disappeared after thirty seconds of frictions, but this discomfort strained me – I was afraid that I would develop a phobia of penetrative sex or even vaginismus. No joke – every time before having penetrative sex, wait for pain.
When the soreness did not disappear either after six months or after the change of partner, I again turned to the gynecologist. It turned out that she can also resort to surgical interventions – and she suggested defloration, that is, dissection of the hymen with a radiosurgical knife.
Why is this happening
It turns out that the structure and elasticity of hymen tissues vary greatly from person to person. And if someone with a birthday hole is large and well-stretched, and in some hymen and did not, in others it may not be so lucky anatomy. For me, for example, according to the doctor, the hymen looked completely normal – therefore, at the first examination, she did not suspect anything , but turned out to be completely inelastic. Hence such painful attempts at first penetration, rupture of the vaginal wall, persistence of pain during several months of active sexual life.
And the hymen are also completely impenetrable: for some they are solid, without holes – and this becomes noticeable during puberty, when the girl still does not start her period. Of course, there is simply nowhere for blood to flow – the road is closed! A teenager may develop severe pelvic pain or even urinary incontinence – this is how doctors discover a continuous hymen and subsequently perform a surgical defloration.
Defloration with a radio knife or scalpel is a rare procedure. Such operations, according to statistics , are performed by 0.08% of women. In this case, in addition to a solid hymen there and other inconvenient for penetrative sex variations – with them all penetration is possible, but the risk of injury and pain remains high. This, in particular, a hymen with microperforation – a bunch of small holes, a forked hymen – a hole in it is divided by a small partition into two or more parts, or an inelastic hymen, which I had.
How many of these hymns make it difficult for women to have painless sex? I find exact statistics are not able to – and this is not surprising, because the question of female sexuality have been actively studied only recently. But we know , that from 2 to 7.5% of women regularly experience pain during sex time – and structural features of the hymen may be one of the reasons.
No hymen – no problem
Coming back to my operation , it went well and quickly, although it was somewhat painful. The doctor applied a local anesthetic and then excised the hymen tissue with a radio knife for five to seven minutes. Then she treated the walls of the vagina with ointment and ordered to abstain from vaginal sex for two weeks. She promised that the pain would go away in a couple of days, but complete healing will take several weeks. Frankly , it hurt after the operation for a long time, all those two weeks that healed. I remember going snowboarding on the weekend and for the first time I liked sitting on the ice chair lifts – the cold repulsed the unpleasant sensations. I took ibuprofen from time to time to sleep.
Then everything really healed, and a miracle happened – vaginal sex was no longer associated with pain. Bonus – I was able to use tampons of any size, and then I bought a menstrual cup and learned a new level of Zen. And, of course, now I can enjoy sex toys of all shapes and configurations.
I am very sad that many women suffer from painful sex – as in the first time, and in lifelong learning – and do not know to whom to this appeal. After I shared my story on social networks, two girls wrote to me who found themselves in the same situation as me. Both thought that their vaginismus, but doctors sent them home with the words “all at you in order.”
In my ideal world, gynecologists know more about variations in anatomy, can assess the elasticity and permeability of the hymen – and offer those who are uncomfortable with the hymen, surgical defloration so that people do not suffer from pain when they first try to have penetrative sex. And did not feel as “wrong” or “broken” as I felt